dear r,
you wanna know what really fucking annoys me whenever it crosses my mind?
how much control i allowed you to have over my life, even when you made the decision to leave.
i didn't listen to a handful of my favourite songs because you associated them with yourself,
and so they made me think of us whenever i listened to them.
i stopped going out, i stopped socialising, i cut my dearest fucking friends off for your toxic ass.
and every other week i tell myself ''oh we're getting over it'' but for the first time since we broke up,
i think i've come to the realisation that you're my version of the relationship that parents tell their kids about as an example
of what to look out for, something in their life that impacted them so drastically that it changed who they were.
you changed me, and maybe it was for the good?
i'm less toxic myself now, i don't hate myself as much as i did, i don't take things out on myself anymore.
i don't use other people as my outlet because i realised that shit happens and there's nothing,
physically nothing i can do about it.
i'd say i hate you, but deep down i don't,
i can't bring myself to truly hate you because there will always be apart that wants you back.
you became my safe space for a good part of a year, and habits are hard to escape,
even toxic ones.
i hate going on Tiktok because you loved it, you made me watch it and so i did,
now that reminds me of you.
i might laugh at it and have fun with my friends around it but i associate it with you so it isn't a positive experience for me.
i wish we never existed.
i wish i had declined the offer to talk to you,
i wish i had never questioned who you were,
i wish i never carried on the conversation after your straightforward ''im looking for a relationship'' bullshit.
i hate myself for trapping myself in this spiral,
but at least i've accepted its a life lesson.
you wanna know what really fucking annoys me whenever it crosses my mind?
how much control i allowed you to have over my life, even when you made the decision to leave.
i didn't listen to a handful of my favourite songs because you associated them with yourself,
and so they made me think of us whenever i listened to them.
i stopped going out, i stopped socialising, i cut my dearest fucking friends off for your toxic ass.
and every other week i tell myself ''oh we're getting over it'' but for the first time since we broke up,
i think i've come to the realisation that you're my version of the relationship that parents tell their kids about as an example
of what to look out for, something in their life that impacted them so drastically that it changed who they were.
you changed me, and maybe it was for the good?
i'm less toxic myself now, i don't hate myself as much as i did, i don't take things out on myself anymore.
i don't use other people as my outlet because i realised that shit happens and there's nothing,
physically nothing i can do about it.
i'd say i hate you, but deep down i don't,
i can't bring myself to truly hate you because there will always be apart that wants you back.
you became my safe space for a good part of a year, and habits are hard to escape,
even toxic ones.
i hate going on Tiktok because you loved it, you made me watch it and so i did,
now that reminds me of you.
i might laugh at it and have fun with my friends around it but i associate it with you so it isn't a positive experience for me.
i wish we never existed.
i wish i had declined the offer to talk to you,
i wish i had never questioned who you were,
i wish i never carried on the conversation after your straightforward ''im looking for a relationship'' bullshit.
i hate myself for trapping myself in this spiral,
but at least i've accepted its a life lesson.









