dear x irl,
i don't understand, like, i do understand it was me who messed it all up... but i just thought too fast and i thought the best idea was to distance a bit, i was wrong. i don't want to stop talking to u. i should just understand that u're free to be with anyone u want and i don't have to be the center all the time. i just felt a bit left out or i don't know... but i know i lost u already. i know that u just got over me. i wish i could move on as u do but i just can't. i just wish i could rewind my thoughts and actions and not taking such stupid ass decision as to just end our friendship. i- what have i fucking done. what am i going to do without u? u are already past me. i just hated u being such a hypocrite sometimes, like ik u're mad at me but u still try to joke with me and stuff when u are around others. like wtf is what u want? do u want to continue our friendship? do we even had one? i considered we did but sometimes u just talk to me to look good around others and make her, x, jealous. u're my best friend and i wish i could get such silly thoughts outta my mind and just make it be like the old times, u're not a hypocrite, u are just trying to fix things but i didn't realise it. ik u told me that u moved past me and u told others too, but i believe that as i did, u just said that to hide ur feelings. i understand it and i know it because i know u well enough. i miss when we actually were best friends, and i knew i could count on u, and look for u, and talk to u.. that trust is gone and i don't know what to do to get it back. it doesn't matter how much i ask u to pardon me or how many times u try to get close to me or backwards, or even if we fix things, our friendship will never be the same as it was. sorry, these two weeks i don't know what's wrong with me. i just don't know. why did i mess everything up? it was not only your relationship, but also x and x's... at least they're trying to get close to me but i- don't feel it's the same. without u i feel empty. sorry to mess everything up. sorry. sorry, i'm just so sorry. i don't know if u're already past me?? or u just act like it?? but ugh.. i just ruined everything. that's it. i will never fix it. i know i tell everyone that u were my fake friend and with this stuff going on i just realised who my true friends were. it's half true, i took conscience of some ppl who are my friends too but.. you are also my friend. i need u. u were always there for me. why didn't i realise? sorry x.. i'm truly sorry. i will always remember ur advices and the fun times we had together... i'm sorry and i love u and wish one day we can be like before... and, from the bottom of my heart, i wish u luck with her. i hope u move on with her. and yes, i was jealous. but what? i didn't understand that she's ur girlfriend now and it's normal. sorry. i'm just a jealous ass bitch that didn't know how to react and, as always messed it up. shit.. what am i going to do now. now i just lost many friendships. especially urs. i left some friendships unsteady. is it just that i can't handle a friendship? can't i fucking keep one? u were the one to help me in these times.. and u told me that u knew that i go crazy sometimes but that u will still be there for me. but what happened? i- ugh. i don't wanna force u.. i- don't- please come back. i'm sorry for everything. i didn't mean what i said and i just overreacted. sorry.. please.. ):