I feel like I have to keep everything together, that I have to be responsible for everything that goes wrong. I put this pressure on myself, and I have no clue why. To punish myself? Have pity for myself? Ha. I honestly don’t know. But if I don’t keep everything together, and I let everything out, then I panic. I start worrying like crazy, “what if I annoyed them?”
“What if they leave me?” “What if I shouldn’t have said anything?” “Do they think I’m stupid now?” “What would’ve happened if I stayed quiet?” “What are they going to think of me now?” “What if they think little of me now?” “What are they going to say?” I hate this about myself. I fight with myself constantly. “Should I tell them? No. I shouldn’t. They’ll think I’m annoying. But what if I start acting different, causing them to act different? I have to explain myself, shouldn’t I? No. They won’t care.” And so on. I always want to tell someone, or talk to someone, but I feel like I can’t. I’m stuck. I’m confused on what to do. So many people have told me to take a break from everything, but I can’t. I can’t strip myself away from something that I’ve become attached to.
I keep telling myself to wait. Wait and see if I get better. But I don’t want to wait anymore. I know I’ll get better, but I know I won’t for awhile. And I hate that. I hate that I’m feeling so shitty, and I can’t even crawl out of it if I wanted to. For starters, anxiety isn’t just going to “go away” it stays with you. You only learn how to better manage it. But I can’t even learn how to do that because I’m too god damn afraid to tell someone in my family that I need help. It’s like I’m being my own doctor. Telling myself “it’ll get better, trust me.” But then telling myself “it won’t get better. You’re just getting worse. You’ve come too far, just do it.” I don’t want to feel this way anymore, y’know? I can’t say this to you, because you won’t know what to say or do. And I’ll just think you’ll yell at me or leave me. I feel like this isn’t worth saying. I feel like my mom, dad, sister, best friend, all have this expectation for me to be ok, and not feel this way anymore, but if I come to them, pleading for help and assistance I’ll be letting them down. So again, I put this pressure on myself. I give myself rules to follow, and quite honestly it scares me.
Idk.
But, I’m done blabbering on now.