rant thing.
read if you would like.
i am not giving names away if you ask.
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Honestly, when I first met you, I thought you were
the coolest. I looked up to you, even though you said I
was a "higher class" than you. You've always grabbed my attention,
even if it was you cursing me out and calling me horrid names.
When we became friends, I could tell there was something bothering you;
because when you spoke I could practically hear the stutters and
all the sounds, that you would make.
Fast forward to the day I actually heard your voice,
I wasn't nervous to talk to you, I wasn't scared to say anything at all,
It was you, your name, made me tingle. I loved the way it rolled off of my tongue.
We continued to talk for a few days, and soon we became friends.
I remember you would always bring up the topic of me on the staff team,
oh god, did I hate that topic, but you could make me do anything.
You brought life to me. You watched and observe me every moment
I spoke. I didn't know at the time, of what seemed your little secret,
that you had her. I didn't think much, thinking it was someone
who was never there. You seemed to needy, you said it yourself.
You craved me, I could tell; but I loved torturing you until
you couldn't wait anymore. It was then, I figured who was yours.
I have felt guilt before, and I thought I would grow out of this
bubble of feelings for you, but yet; I have not, and I am still waiting.
I cared for you, made sure you were okay that night you were hurt.
What time was it, 2 or 3 A.M.? I don't remember, but all I do remember was
crying, and just so much gasps for air. You didn't know a lot about me then,
but we shared a few things often. You fell in love with things I disliked.
That's why I fell so hard, for you. I tried so many times to let go,
you wouldn't loosen the grip of my wrist from your hand, and no matter how
red and how much I screamed, you wouldn't let go.
You knew what I was going through, and so much pain I had on my shoulders.
You said you loved me, you wanted to hear my voice, but I didn't want to hear yours.
Sleeping softly, hopeless tears. We are no good for each other and you know it,
I had lashed out, and I hadn't cried so hard in so long. It physically hurt to cry.
My eyes were so red, and I was so ashamed. I tried to ask my friends for help,
I couldn't even type what was wrong. Little do you know, huh?
I am so afraid of hurting you, and telling you the truth.
So I keep lying and saying everything is okay, but the truth is,
everything is not okay. You kept telling me that it is okay, and I will be okay,
but everyone says that too. The fucking fact that it is not okay.
Crying over you every night and you not knowing is okay?
Yeah, didn't think so. I told you how many times I am hurt by you,
you say, "Is this any other way we can fix this without you leaving...?"
No, there is not. I am so tired of you, walking over me, feeding me lies,
and just trying to act like you care because all you really want is for me
to call you "Babe" for one night, and act out all sexy, and the thing is,
I am not sexy. I hate calling people "Babe". (I have no idea why my old username was that.)
You make me feel so sick, and every time you say something sexual,
I can't help but think of leaving you. I do not want that, and you know it,
but you do it for your own damn self. All you do want is for me to stay until
you break her heart, and you want me there to protect you
and to tell her off, and just to make her jealous.
Trust me, I know this cycle. I've been through it so many times.
You say my ex, who is now one of my great friends, deserves to die
because of me and his past. You asked me to share, you don't
get to comment. Now, I have finally left you, and I know
this won't be the last night I will cry for hours, but it will be
the first night in a long time, that I will feel free, and the tears
won't be about you. They will be my recovering tears, the ones
that will bring life into me, like you once did, and make the death
vanish. I know, it will take time, but that's ok. You were like a key,
but to the wrong door. You are not the key I need. But hey,
thanks for making yourself a fool, and trying to hurt me and my friends
it was great whilst it lasted, and trust me, I will miss you,
but do not come back. I will find my happiness, and I will say,
"Do you remember when all I wanted was happiness for you and me?"
I will show it off, and I will be so happy without you.
Do not message me saying, "I'm so sorry, is there any way we can fix it?"
because no, there is no way of fixing all of the cracks I have in my bones from
my heart pounding against my chest, from all of the nights I was in bed
reading those messages over and over again. I will still be here,
but I will be smarter. I will not choose the same path
I have chosen like this, and I will think out and process about what will happen.
If you cared, you would have let me known a long time ago, no, I know you said you did,
but words are so easy to say. Stop feeding me lies, and acting like I'm the best girl
you've ever met because, in reality, I am not. I am not happy, I am not happy with my body,
I am not happy with my personality, god, I can go on forever and you know them all.
So stop acting like everything is alright. It is ok to be not ok.
I have learned that from you. And, I do miss you, but not how i used to miss you,
but I hope you crave and cry for me, like I did.